Archive for the “Challenges” Category
Life Changes
Our poor website has been neglected since I returned to work full time in mid-June—I really apologize for the lack of updates! But working full time now means that our precious time at home has to be divided between two daughters, meal preparation, food shopping, laundry, chores, visits with family and friends, etc, all of which leaves little time for uploading photos and writing witty blog posts. To be honest, at the end of most days, I technically have the time to do these things, but lack the mental energy to be creative. Plus we’ve made some big decisions that will lead to some major life changes, the preparation for which has left us with even less time.
So, what are these big decisions and major life changes? First, I’ve tendered my resignation at Womanspace, where I have worked as a counselor/advocate (and most recently as the program coordinator for Counseling and Support Services) for the past 8 years. And second, we’ve decided to move to Brooklyn.
I loved my job and almost everything about it: my fantastic coworkers who are like family to me and my amazing clients, whose strength and resolve inspire me to be a better, more grateful person. I feel absolutely privileged that I got to be part of so many women’s (and a few men’s) journeys towards safer, healthier, more fulfilled lives. I think there is no greater gift than to be a major catalyst for someone healing from the trauma domestic violence and/or sexual assault. I had the honor of working with some clients for years as they went from having zero self-esteem, zero hope, zero resources and zero support systems to living rich, full lives free from abuse. But it is time for me to stop. The thick skin I developed over 8 years (a thick skin is the only way to stay sane in my line of work) got stripped away while I was on maternity leave with Miranda. When I went back to work, each story I heard sounded more horrific than the last. Call it vicarious trauma, call it compassion fatigue, or call it burn out….all I know is that I am ready to take a break from this work.
Womanspace crew More than that, I’m ready to spend more quality time with Natalie and Miranda. Working full time with one child is hard enough, but with two I really didn’t feel like I was spending enough time with either of them. Mornings were a rush of getting everyone dressed, packed up, and out the door. Evenings were a rush of getting dinner made, eating, and getting ready for bed. I’m looking forward to slowing down and having the luxury of playing, reading, and just being with the girls.
Sisters Really, who wouldn’t want to spend more time with these two?
Once I made the decision to quit my job and try my hand at stay-at-home-mothering for a while, the decision to move to Brooklyn was a no-brainer. Chris has been commuting about 4 hours a day into Manhattan for almost the past 5 years. Chris, of course, never complains, but I’ve often bitterly complained about the amount of time the commute takes away from our time together as a family. Recently, NJ Transit increased their rates, which pushed our commuting costs to over $500 a month. And lately, the trains have been subject to major delays (i.e. over an hour or sometimes as long as 4 hours) more often than usual. Moving to Brooklyn has been a lofty idea we’ve toyed with for a long time. Now that my time at Womanspace will be over as of August 20th, moving to Brooklyn became a realistic option.
So… we made it a reality! Since the last time I updated this blog, we’ve found a renter for our house and signed a lease on an apartment in Park Slope, Brooklyn. Our new place is on 12th Street, a beautifully tree-lined street with picturesque brick and stone buildings. We will be half a block from Prospect Park and it’s Harmony Playground. We will be 2 blocks from a highly-rated elementary school, P.S. 107, John W. Kimball.
New Home: Park Slope So in moving to Brooklyn, we are basically trading space for time. It seems odd, as most of our peers are moving into bigger houses, that we are choosing to move from our 3-bedroom home to a 2 bedroom apartment with approximately half as much space. But we are actually relishing the opportunity to rid ourselves of excess stuff and live a simpler, less-cluttered, and hopefully, happier life. Because in reality, it is not our spacious house or the stuff we put in it that makes us happy. What makes us happy is to spend time together as a family.
In addition to reducing Chris’ commuting time and our commuting costs, living in an apartment will afford us more time to spend together in general. Weekends can be spent visiting museums, parks, zoos, and all the other great things NYC has to offer, because we will have less space and 1 fewer bathroom to keep clean. Although I will miss my garden and am sad to leave it after all the work we’ve put into it, its maintenance was a drain on our time and wallets.
Finally, we are confident that Brooklyn will be a fine place to raise our girls. There’s nothing wrong with New Jersey, of course, and we love our house and town, but Brooklyn has certain advantages that cannot be found in our current location. We are hoping to immerse the girls in more diversity, more art, and more music. We are thrilled about being able to instill the values of city-living (i.e. walking not driving, having less stuff, befriending different kinds of people, etc) in Natalie and Miranda.
Although we are sad to be further away from our parents and friends, we will be moving closer to numerous family and friends who live in Brooklyn. Since I will be a stay-at-home-mom, I will have lots of time on my hands to drive to NJ for visits. Certainly we do not intend to lessen the time that Natalie and Miranda get to spend with their awesome grandparents. And we just rented our house for a year. If we find that city living isn’t for us, there’s always the option of moving back!
Camping 2010
We learned something this past weekend—that we should never, ever take Natalie away from home when she is ill. Because no matter how “fine” she seems at home, she will not be “fine” once taken away from her comfort zone. Documenting our weekend camping trip is a rare case when a picture isn’t worth 1,000 words, because the photos of our camping trip to Rickett’s Glen make it look like we had a great weekend. And we did have some lovely moments. We just didn’t photograph the really terrible moments.
Before we left we debated about whether or not to go. I took Natalie to the pediatrician to make sure she didn’t have any infections as she’d been running a fever for two days. But she was eating, drinking, and sleeping fine, and pretty much acting normal. The doctor said it was just a virus, so we decided to chance it. Of course in retrospect, that was a big mistake. Almost as soon as we got to the campsite, Natalie became fragile, clingy, and cranky. Any little problem set her off. She wanted to be held all the time. She had trouble sleeping*. A few times, twice at 4:30 am, she had complete, utter meltdowns that took her a very long time to recover from. She started picking at her chapped lips so much that they cracked and bled, which incited more meltdowns. Whenever she cried, her nose ran, which made her cry even harder, which made her nose run more—you see the problem. She often melted down upon waking up, which we realized was because she had to pee, but felt too tired to walk to the bathrooms. We bought a potty for her to use in the tent, but she didn’t always want to do that.
At one point, after a particularly bad meltdown, Natalie wanted mommy-and-only-mommy, and Miranda needed to nurse. Since Miranda is very easy to soothe and hasn’t yet gotten into a bad cycle of continuing-to-be-upset-as-a-result-of-being-upset, Chris held Miranda off while I tried to calm Natalie down. At a certain point, I had to feed Miranda, and it broke my heart that I couldn’t meet both of their needs at once. Natalie was still upset when I got to Miranda, and at that point, Miranda was as upset as she’s ever gotten. She nursed, but stopped every minute or so to scream at me for making her wait so long. When both girls were finally calm I felt like sobbing. I felt like I could *almost* imagine what my friend Lindsay, who has a girl Natalie’s age and triplet 10-month-old boys, must face multiple times a day. At this age, and even in that situation, the girls’ needs are pretty simple. And yet at that moment mothering them felt like an overwhelming responsibility.
Another thing we learned (although we already knew!) is that we have amazing friends. If Jodi and Jay hadn’t been there to support us, we never would have attempted, or made it through the trip. And the girls are so comfortable with them that when they were having good moments, they were just as happy to sit on their laps, be carried by them, or fall asleep laying against them.
Finally, Chris and I affirmed that we are a good parenting team. Monday marked our 7th wedding anniversary, which was fitting since it was one of the more challenging experiences we’ve had since getting married. Even though the weekend was extremely stressful, we stuck together. Our parenting styles are complementary, which is a good thing since this weekend, we needed all our tricks to survive.
Here are the pictures, which as I said, reflect an entirely different experience than the one I just described.
Natalie’s funny face
Look who’s old enough for back carries!
All the comforts of home
Funny faces
Ducklings on the lake
Mad faces
Chubby legs I guess Miranda’s socks are too tight!
The burn on Miranda’s arm Apparently our kids are destined to be scarred by the time they are 4 months. A flaming piece of wood popped out of the campfire and landed on Miranda’s arm. She didn’t cry even though it blistered almost immediately. Chris and I have both camped our entire lives and never had anything like that happen before.
Natalie in the coal mine On a rainy day we went on a tour of the Lakawanna coal mine. A lot of the details went over Natalie’s head of course, but it was fun to go so far underground.
Natalie shows off her rocks She sorted them in order of sparkliness.
Miranda and Natalie bundled up Finally calm after they both had complete meltdowns. Thank goodness for episodes of Yo Gabba Gabba on my iPhone.
Miranda with Auntie Jodi in the hammock
Natalie smiling Funny that we got lots of pictures of Natalie smiling on the trip, even though she was pretty miserable overall!
Eating pancakes in the screen tent
Hikers
The hiking trail was surrounded by these pretty flowers
Jodi and Jay
Miranda asleep on my back
Tree on the trail
Natalie with Auntie Jodi
Chris wearing a tired Natalie
Hiking while wearing the kids On our 7th wedding anniversary!
Happy after a nursing break
Stopping for a snack
Miranda with Auntie Jodi
Miranda and Mama
Ganoga Falls
On the edge In more ways than one….Natalie started melting down right after this photo was taken.
Overlooking a 90-foot waterfall The map said the trail to these falls was 3 miles, but according to my Nike+, it was 5.5!!
The lake on our campsite One last photo before we headed home. We chose to start a 4-hour drive at 10 pm rather that suffer through another horrendous night and morning. Hopefully our next camping trip will be better!
*The first night we all had trouble sleeping since the couple camping in the site across from ours stayed up until 3 am arguing. Loudly. Every other word out of the woman’s mouth was f—ing. That combined with Natalie waking up crying, Miranda waking up to nurse and both girls wanting to be held by mommy at the same time made for very little sleep for all of us. Then Natalie started the day at 4:30 am with a long, terrible meltdown.
Follow the baby, not the “experts”
Follow the baby, not the so-called “experts” is very sage advice I got from Chris’ mom when Natalie was a baby. No expert knows your baby, and the best way to make yourself stressed as a parent is to try and mold your baby into what an “expert’s” ideal of what babies should be doing. Although I think it’s great advice that we’ve mostly followed, I did, on occasion, get sucked into thinking I was doing something wrong, usually in terms of Natalie’s sleeping. But when we stopped reading books, stopped following other people’s advice, and went back to following Natalie’s cues, it was easier, and less stressful. Was it sometimes uncomfortable to share a bed with a baby/toddler who doesn’t understand sharing space? Yes, but not nearly as bad as waking up several times a night to feed said baby or spending hours trying to get said baby to sleep by herself, only to have her wake up again. Did it suck having a kid who didn’t remotely sleep through the night until she was well over two years old? Yes. But not nearly as much as trying in vane to force Natalie into doing something she so, so clearly wasn’t ready to do.
Taking the path of least resistance is scary because it forces parents to hand over control to the child. Losing control, in my estimation, is what makes parenting so frustrating. But letting go and trusting that things will come together is a good life lesson, especially for control freaks like me. What we’ve found in making this our parenting style, is that an opportunity always presented itself for making changes when the child is ready. And our patience in waiting for those opportunities was always rewarded with smooth transitions.
Fitting with my trying to control things, before Miranda was born, I planned on doing things differently in terms of sleep. I planned to get her sleeping in her crib, in her own room from day one so she would be used to it, because part of me still thought that Natalie was a “bad” sleeper because we did something wrong. Luckily, when Miranda was born, I came to my senses and remembered some good advice about sleep and survival in the first 12 weeks: by any means necessary. In other words, follow your baby, not the “experts.”
I also discovered that when Miranda was born, I had absolutely no desire to put her down. Ever. Parenting an infant for the second time makes you realize how quickly it passes and how you have to treasure each moment. So I think for the first two weeks (at least) I parked myself on the couch and Miranda slept snuggled against me. Or Chris, on the occasion that I had to, you know, eat, use the bathroom, shower, and spend time with Natalie.
And so far, Miranda has been a great sleeper (knocking wood furiously!). With the exception of a couple of weeks where she was fussy and hard to settle in the evening, Miranda has been amazingly easy going. We figured out her sleep formula early on (swaddle, pacifier, vibrating bouncy seat, white noise) and as long as we stuck with that, she’s been sleeping fine. At night, she’s been starting out in the bouncy seat and when she woke up to eat, I brought her in bed with me, where she also slept well.
At her two month check-up, I let the doctor get in my head and it knocked me off my game. Dr. Stephen (who I LOVE as a pediatrician, by the way) asked how Miranda was sleeping and I told her everything was fine. Then I said (only half-seriously) that I was a bit worried about what would happen when Miranda outgrew the bouncy seat and that I was considering buying a vibrating crib mattress. Big mistake. Of course Dr. Stephen replied by telling me that Miranda shouldn’t have to rely on vibrations to sleep, and that it would be best to try and get her used to the crib as soon as possible. And I immediately panicked, thought about how I was doing it all wrong, and went home determined to get Miranda sleeping in her crib.
“Operation-get-Miranda-to-sleep-in-her-crib” actually started out okay. I think she slept for 3 hours or so in the crib at the start of the night. But when she woke up to nurse, I couldn’t get her to stay asleep in the crib for more than five minutes. Finally, at 2 am, after an hour of picking her up, rocking her, burping her, nursing her, walking her, re-swaddling her, etc, etc, every 5 minutes I came to my senses. I remembered that sleep is more important than doing it “right” (whatever the hell that means) and that if I was patient, ignored the “experts” and followed Miranda, an opportunity would present itself at the time when Miranda was ready to sleep in her crib.
This weekend, opportunity knocked—a lot sooner than I anticipated! First, Miranda took a nap in her bouncy seat, unswaddled. She had fallen asleep in the mei tai carrier while I was at the farmer’s market and I had already transferred her into the car, and then from the car into the house. Since she was already asleep, I didn’t want to disturb her by wrangling her into the swaddle blanket. We’ve done it before because she wouldn’t stay asleep otherwise, but I decided to risk it. Much to my delight, she slept for over an hour!
Later that afternoon, while we were working in the yard, Miranda was laying on a blanket. She became fussy, which I didn’t quite understand because she had recently woken up from a good nap, was fed, and had a clean, dry diaper. My hands were covered in dirt from gardening, so rather than pick her up, I just stuck the pacifier in her mouth whenever it fell out. That seemed to be all she needed to calm down. Then, despite the noise of Natalie dropping rocks into a metal bucket and numerous squawking birds, Miranda fell asleep. On her own. Unswaddled. And she slept like that, on a blanket in the shade, for over an hour. Given our history with sleep challenges, we were quite shocked. So astounded that we documented the milestone with pictures:
Lounging Miranda She hasn’t quite settled on which finger to suck on and goes back and forth between her thumb and other fingers.
Miranda fell asleep on her own!!
Conked out
That night, Miranda went to sleep in her crib without a problem. We did swaddle her, since we didn’t want to change more than one part of the routine at once. She slept for 4 hours, I got up to nurse her and she went back to sleep in her crib without a problem and slept for another 4 hours. Then she slept another 2 hours in bed with us. The next night, she woke up after 45 minutes to nurse (she was so tired when I initially put her down that she hadn’t really eaten a full “meal”). She was smiling at me when I put her back in the crib, as if she thought she was waking up from a nap. I decided to try and leave the room while she was still wide awake, just to see what would happen. She fell asleep by herself and stayed asleep for another 4 hour stretch. And at 6 am, I kid you not, Miranda woke up laughing. When I brought her into bed, she fell asleep again with a smile on her face.
Natalie too has been working on staying in her room all night until morning (we implemented a sticker chart that has led to a 100% improvement). Since waking up to two smiling, happy girls in the morning is too precious to miss, we’re sticking with co-sleeping for those last couple of hours of the night. We often are rewarded on the weekends not only with waking up to happy smiles, but with kids who sleep until 10 am. I don’t want to jinx it, but at least for now, we’ve got the best of both worlds. And we got there by following the babies, not the experts.